Workplace Civility Doesn’t Disappear Overnight

Over the years, I’ve worked with some exceptional leaders. I’ve also worked around a few who confused intimidation with leadership.
When people talk about workplace civility, they often imagine the big moments—the explosive meeting, the executive who loses control, or the person everyone quietly warns you about.
What I’ve learned is that hostile workplaces don’t begin there.
They begin with the small moments that everyone chooses to ignore.
Three experiences from my career still stand out.
The first happened when I was in my twenties.
I had already managed a team and had moved into a role supporting the rollout of one of the company’s most profitable product lines. It was demanding work. Long hours were normal.
One evening, while working late, I overheard two senior executives in a heated conversation. They were discussing another executive, and the language was harsh, personal, and profane. As the conversation ended, one of them said, “She can sit on it and spin.”
I froze.
I quietly gathered my things and tried to slip out unnoticed.
I wasn’t successful.
The next morning, the head of the division came to my office and apologized.
Not for what he said.
Not for how he said it.
He apologized because I heard it.
That distinction stayed with me.
Even as a young professional, I realized there was a public culture and a private culture. The apology wasn’t about respect. It was about exposure.
Twenty years later, I found myself on another executive leadership team.
One of my colleagues had a habit of raising his voice in anger. No one was immune—not even the CEO. It wasn’t considered unusual. It was simply “how he communicated.”
I made two decisions.
First, if he ever raised his voice to someone on my team, he would discover that I was perfectly capable of having difficult conversations.
Second, if he ever raised his voice at me, I would resign.
No drama.
No debate.
No second chances.
In fact, I kept a letter of resignation in my padfolio and updated it regularly.
Eventually, he yelled at a member of my team.
I calmly walked into his office, closed the door, and addressed it directly.
Then, as I expected might happen one day, he yelled at me.
That month, I submitted my resignation.
People sometimes ask why.
Because every leader teaches people how they deserve to be treated.
That includes ourselves.
The third experience was different.
Another senior executive.
Another organization.
Another reputation for explosive outbursts.
This time, people explained it away by telling me he had a personality disorder.
Maybe he did.
I actually liked him.
A lot.
But here’s what I’ve never believed:
Understanding someone’s behavior is not the same as excusing it.
Compassion should never require everyone else to absorb the damage.
So I had a conversation with him before there was ever a problem.
I told him my boundary.
Interestingly, he respected it.
He yelled around me.
He yelled around my team.
He never yelled at us.
What do these three stories have in common?
None of them started with screaming.
They started with smaller behaviors that became accepted.
Someone rolled their eyes.
Someone interrupted.
Someone humiliated another employee in a meeting.
Someone made disrespect part of the culture.
Someone excused it because the person was brilliant.
Someone ignored it because they produced results.
Someone decided confronting it would be uncomfortable.
And one day, the organization wakes up and wonders why people are anxious, disengaged, afraid to speak up, and quietly updating their résumés.
Hostile workplaces don’t suddenly appear.
They’re built one ignored act of incivility at a time.
Workplace civility isn’t about being nice.
It’s about creating an environment where people can disagree, debate, challenge one another, and still treat each other with dignity.
High expectations are not hostile.
Accountability is not hostile.
Disagreement is not hostile.
Humiliation is.
Intimidation is.
Belittling people is.
Leadership by fear is.
If you’re a leader, here are three questions worth asking yourself:
• What behaviors have become “normal” on my team simply because they’ve gone unchallenged?
• Do people feel safe disagreeing with me without fearing embarrassment or retaliation?
• Am I rewarding results while overlooking the behaviors used to achieve them?
Culture isn’t defined by the values framed on the wall.
It’s defined by the behavior leaders are willing to tolerate.
Ignore disrespect long enough, and eventually disrespect becomes your culture.

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